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Chapter 15

The night that Atutxa was born was the last of the cold weather. The next day was so Spring-like that it seemed as though there had never been anything but blue skies and sunshine and the start of emerging green shoots. To produce milk I must eat so I prepared a big meal hoping that it would do for two days, then spent the rest of the day sitting in the sun and gazing at Atutxa. It still seemed hardly possible that here was another person. He had bluey-grey eyes, I wondered if they would turn brown as he got older.

After a few idle days I felt sufficiently recovered to put the baby in his sling and set out and see how the warmth had brought on the plants. Hare seemed to be as enchanted with all the new life as I was. Three of us now went down to the river. Winter aconites were flowering everywhere, a yellow ground covering as we came down to the water’s edge. There was only one small fish in all the traps, but I sat on the bank looking at it as though it were the most marvellous fish the world had ever seen. When we got home I roasted it over the fire and ate it hot with my fingers. It spat hot fat as it cooked but I thought it could make all the mess it liked, I didn’t care at all on such a perfect day.

The next day I had to rest again but decided that it would be the last and the following day I climbed up to the tundra traps. In one of them there was a white hare. It gave me a horrible feeling to see it dead with congealed blood around its neck. Hare joined me in honouring its spirit and thanking Great Hare for giving food. It was a shock and we went down again without checking any more traps. Silent thought gave way to discussing what it meant and what we should do. Hare took its spirit into his care as the most urgent duty upon us. He was away for a while guiding it to its ancestors where he was able to leave it and come back to me.

"We must honour its body too. It must be of great significance. Its skull will be kept as a sacred object, but what do you think for its fur?" I asked him.

"From the timing of its giving itself to you, I think it is for Atutxa. A winter hood would be a protection for his skull. Does that seem right to you?"

"Yes. I’m glad you thought of it."

The next two days were spent preparing the skin, treating the fur and making a small hood. It was a beautiful thing when finished, soft and warm, and the white seemed to glow.

The hare’s internal organs were reverently set aside and all bone and muscle put in the cooking bag with water, many herbs and roots and the hot stones. As I finished doing that Atutxa started crying. He so rarely did so that I fed him at once. He fell asleep then. Though I had been trying to feed him at set times it didn’t seem to be working. Perhaps just feeding him when he cried or I felt milk building up in me would be better.

Leaving the hare to cook, we went up to Vezeru. I planted some eider duck feathers and one swan’s at her feet as an offering and told her Atutxa’s name. His real name was still unknown until I took him to the cave. Then we buried the hare’s organs inside the stone circle. It had been impossible to bring my harp while carrying Atutxa so I had to sing the songs unaccompanied.

Later Hare and I silently thought of the white hare’s spirit with its ancestors as I ate the hare meat. It was good and I deeply thanked the hare for the strength it would give both me and the baby. I set the bones aside for later, because all I could do then was sleep.

When I woke in the morning I could feel the strength of the white hare as I pushed myself up with my legs. Hare gave a mumbly agreement that the hare had always had strong back legs. Perhaps I had been dreaming about it because there was a picture in my mind of it leaping across the tundra. Then it stopped and turned to look at me with its white fur contrasted with the wet black peat. But I had to leave it to feed Atutxa.

Hare suggested that we bury the bones in Gabillou cave in the floor under the mammoth as Mammoth had always been a good friend to hares. As I put the cleaned hare skull beside my obsidian mammoth I felt such a longing to be with Mammoth, to feel his fur and smell his warm unique smell.

"He is thinking of you too." said Hare.

We decided to combine the burying of the hares bones with Atutxa’s introduction ceremony in the cave which would include the spirits telling us his real name. It would be held at night and could be only on a propitious one. A half moon was necessary to symbolise the bright world of the spirits where his real name would be known, and the dark physical world where it would not. The position of the Evening Star had to be right as well, so it was some time before we could perform it. During daylight hours before the correct night I carried my harp to the cave. I had found that it was much easier to do such tasks if I tied Atutxa to my back. He seemed quite happy there and my hands and the front of my body were free for heavy work like carrying my harp or bringing water.

Sunset

The light slowly faded in a colourful sunset. It was Atutxa’s night so I knew that the reds and purples would guide him through life, and held him up to see them. When the sun had gone into Earth Mother I checked the moon and stars, they were right for the ceremony as I knew they would be. I put the mask on in my shelter to leave my hands free to carry the sacred objects but unfortunately had to go back and take it off again. It restricted my view of where I was walking and I couldn’t risk the dire omen of falling on our way to the cave. Re-arranged we had an uneventful journey to the cave. Getting through the low entrance was hard going though and I wished I had brought everything to the cave during the day.

I got us through with all our stuff in relays. A thorough preparation of the cave, for this critical ceremony to introduce Atutxa to the spirits, was needed. It consisted of incense sticks of spikenard being lit and offered to all the Great Spirits painted on the walls. I touched each painting with my forehead then planted a smoking stick in the floor before it. After the fire was alight and blessed I lit a torch from it with viper venom poured over it and circled the cave waving it, taking particular care at the entrance. That would keep away any evil spirits that might be listening with the intention to harm him.

We buried the hare’s bones in front of the mammoth painting. Atutxa was asleep, but Hare and I both felt Mammoth’s pleasure at becoming the hare’s guardian. Then I put on the mask and hooves and was no longer Atutxa’s mother but his intercessor with the spirits. It was a short ceremony because they told me his name almost immediately and all that remained then was to thank them and retreat to this world. In the safety of the cave I whispered Atutxa’s name to him, though he wouldn’t remember.

By Midsummer of his first year I thought he was strong enough to go to Lazcux. He showed none of the signs of failing that are so often found among the newly born.

I took as much as I could carry in the way of nappies and food, and gave us plenty of time to get there before Midsummer. The weather was settled fine and warm and we had an easy journey. It was longer than I remembered but that was probably because of caring for Atutxa, feeding, washing and nappy changing always took up more of the day than I expected. We all enjoyed it and barely needed the travelling shelter at night, though I always put it up in case of rain. I fished for eels in every stream that we came to, they are so easy to catch and make a good meal. Once or twice I managed to catch a lizard, but more often our meat was frogs and snakes. And of course I set our moth trap using the light of the fire at night. There’s not much meat on moths but they taste so good roasted and crisp.

More time was taken up showing Atutxa all the flowers. He always laughed and reached for them, and I let him put them in his mouth so that he would know that they tasted sweet.

It was about mid-day when we reached Lazcux. Ukitu had seen us coming and was waiting for us at the mouth of the cave.

"Well, who’s this? A boy or a girl?"

"Atutxa, meet Ukitu."

"Hello Atutxa. A boy then, let me see him properly." I undid the sling and gave him to her. She examined him closely and then they looked into each other’s eyes, getting to know each other.

"Are you tired from your journey?"

"No. We took it very easily. But we’ve still arrived too soon for Midsummer. I allowed too long."

"I’m glad you did. We shall have longer together." I smiled agreement.

"I thought you would be here. But it’s you who looks tired."

"Well I might at my age. Come on in and rest. I’m staying in the cave as there’s nobody else here, not yet anyway. If more come later it will be time enough to put up shelters outside. Here’s a surprise, I’m finding it too hot outside and it’s nice and cool inside the cave."

"It’s not often I’ve heard anyone complain about the heat."

"Come along."

We settled comfortably with our backs to a wall and I gave Atutxa a feed. Ukitu watched in silence for a while, then said

"Are you going to tell me about his father?"

"You’ve noticed his brow ridges then?"

"He didn’t get those from you."

So I told her all about my ice giant up on the tundra, stressing how it fitted with the prophecy.

"You think Blackbird was telling us that Atutxa will send the ice back north?"

"I do. I met him again and his words and actions seemed to confirm it, as far as one can understand him."

"He is obscure. I don’t think it’s deliberate though."

"No, he seems to be trying hard to communicate."

"This is the warmest summer we’ve had for a long time. Is he doing it just by being in the world?"

"I don’t know. And I can’t seem to find out. I was hoping the spirits here might be able to tell me something."

"Shall we hold the ceremony this evening, in the Hall of the Bulls, to introduce him?"

"Let’s."

When we had rested a while we made the preparations for his ceremony. Then a small meal, I wasn’t hungry and Ukitu ate very little. I asked her to lead the ceremony because I had led the one at Gabillou and she agreed that would be proper.

There was a quiet sunset which we watched in the open air. The lack of clouds meant it was not the spectacular kind but clear sky gradually darkening was gently beautiful. We returned to the Hall of Bulls when it was fully dark and performed the ceremony. Ukitu did it perfectly, as I expected, and I supported when necessary which gave me time to watch the movement of the bulls. They welcomed Atutxa, though he was asleep and perhaps dreaming of them.

After we had finished Ukitu seemed tired and, as I helped her to sit, I was shocked to see that there was blue around her mouth.

"You are more ill than you have told me." I accused her.

"Just old."

"It is not that is it? Your mouth is blue."

"You can’t go on forever. I’m very tired."

"Have you taken your fig and foxglove?"

"I finished the last I had a while ago."

"You have been taking it though?"

Figs and Foxglove

"Oh yes, it helped a lot. But I ran out of figs, the traders won’t come now. I could have collected and dried the foxgloves but it just seemed too much, you know?"

"I do. But it’s not too much for me. How lucky I arrived when I did. There’s a lot of it back at Gabillou. Everyone who needed it has left for the south taking their own supplies with them. I’ll pack up some dried food now, with only that and the baby to carry I can get to Gabillou and back here in - what? - six days, perhaps seven and we’ll still be in time for the Midsummer ceremony."

"You can’t do that Kizkur. You’ve only just arrived. And there’s Atutxa to think of."

"He’s fine. He enjoyed coming here and anyway he sleeps most of the time. Have you got enough food and everything until I get back?"

"Of course. I didn’t know you were coming did I?"

"Bet you guessed I would though."

"I very much hoped."

"I wanted to see you too. And now I can be some use. I’ll carry in a lot of water before I leave then you’ll barely need to leave the cave. Just rest and save your strength. I’ll soon be back and I can lead the Midsummer ceremony."

The next morning I was up very early. Luckily Atutxa didn’t cry and I set out leaving her sleeping. Then I just made all the speed I could for Gabillou. I was very worried about Ukitu, everyone knows that people with the blue mouth must keep taking fig and foxglove.

It was dark on the third day when I got back to my shelter. I had had plenty of time to think where everything was as I walked home. I lit the fire for light as much as warmth and collected everything together. There was plenty already made up as I had told Ukitu and I packed that first, then I found all the figs and dried foxgloves and put them in a strong leather bag. The plan was to make them up into medicine when I got back to Lazcux. The bag looked like every other, so I put my paints and a couple of brushes in too, to make it distinctive for her to find easily when she felt bad. That could all be done once we had some of the medicine in her. It would be a good use for the last of the shellfish purple that Ikaseraz had given me, for it to help his old friend.

With everything ready for an early start I fed the baby and put him down to sleep, then lay down myself and slept the sleep of the exhausted.

The one good thing about a crying baby is that you cannot oversleep. We were on our way back to Lazcux as it came light the next day. The spirits were with us because we reached it by mid-afternoon on the sixth day after leaving it. I went quickly into the cave and found Ukitu resting, she had not been expecting us back so soon.

"First thing, get this down you." I had got the dose prepared before we got there. She smiled at my bossy attitude but swallowed it down. It was a relief to see that her mouth returned to a normal colour after a short time. Not that night, but the next one was Midsummer so we could relax for a while.

"When you’ve just done so much for me it seems selfish to ask for more, dear. But there is something I very much want done, here at Lazcux, but I find myself too weak to manage it. Did you know that there used to be a group who actually lived here? None of them are left now. It was a long time ago. But, although I always lived at the Horse Cave, I came here to be instructed and initiated by the Enchanter here. She was a wonderful woman and I loved her. But she had the bleeding cough and died even before I returned to my own people. When she died she gave me her most sacred object, a crow’s skull. I have always carried it with me - here it is. It’s very fragile but I’ve kept it safe. In one of the enchanters’ passages here there is her spirit-guide carving of a lion. Perhaps this is the last time I shall be here, so I wanted to bury the skull beneath her lion. That is where it should be now."

I didn’t contradict her. We both knew in detail the meaning of the blue colour around her mouth.

"I think I know which passageway you must mean. There are several lions in it."

"That’s the one, it’s about as far in as you can get at Lazcux. Her lion is the one directly below the aurochs’s head. It is kicking its back legs up in the air. It’s the only one where you can see the breath of life coming from its mouth. She carved that later when she had saved the lives of several newborns by getting her lion to breathe in their mouths. The only consolation I could find at her death was to go and touch her lion and think of her being able to be together with it all the time. I shall see her again soon. It’s to be hoped Lion doesn’t attack Bison!"

We laughed, but I could see she was sorrowing over the early death of her beloved teacher. A personal bond I thought, not only teacher and apprentice.

"I’ll go as soon as you have said your farewells to the skull. But is there something we could use to protect it? I may have to crawl in that passageway."

"Yes. There’s a clam shell over there that I always keep it in. Can you fetch it while I take the crow to show to the bulls for the last time?"

Though I was deliberately slow over the task she took longer. When she returned I thought she had been crying. She smiled as she handed the skull to me and kissed my forehead. I put it reverently in the clam shell and fastened it securely, then set off for the passageway of the lions. Nothing needed to be said.

As I had remembered it was necessary to crawl for part of the way and there was very little room for digging into the floor in front of the breathing lion. The edge of the clam shell made a good digging tool. When I had said the blessing words over the skull I covered it up and made all tidy. The shell was easily cleaned.

Back in the Hall of the Bulls I found Ukitu tickling Atutxa’s tummy and both of them giggling. I handed her the shell without speaking and we all three smiled at each other.

That evening we sat by the fire and sang ordinary songs, not the sacred ones that were nobody knew how old and must never be altered. We would sing those at the ceremony the next day, but tonight we just sang to please ourselves and made up new bits for the songs if we felt like it. My harp was at Gabillou, much too heavy, but Ukitu had a small pipe which we could both play to some extent. She sang as I piped and then I sang as she piped. It was relaxing and comforting.

The Midsummer ceremony went well except for one break in the middle where I had to feed and clean Atutxa. Ukitu continued with everything which had to be done continuously until I could take over again. Our changeovers were seamless and we were sure it was all correct.

"It may even be extra reverent to the sun that you attended to Atutxa’s needs." Ukitu suggested. "If Blackbird is right it would seem that Atutxa is the sun’s representative in the world at the moment. Don’t you think so? So care of him would be considered care of the sun."

"That could be right. The sun’s representative, what a fine way to look at it."

We both slept well after greeting the rising sun, but when I woke nearing noon I found myself worried. Without certain knowledge, but from things which had been said, I thought that the Horse Cave was more than twice the distance to the east of Lazcux that Gabillou was to the west. Yet Ukitu had walked here alone and was now packing her things in preparation for the walk back. It was four days or so from here to Gabillou. So it would be twelve, I thought, to the Horse Cave. But that was twelve days for a youngish - I supposed I was about twenty - woman to walk. Ukitu was seriously ill, so I would have to say twenty five days. Perhaps even that was optimistic. I went to find her, and as I thought she had begun packing up.

"I would love to see the Horse Cave. Ikaseraz told me a lot about it. What do you think?"

She gave me a sad smile.

"I wondered what story you would come up with. You’ve no desire at all to see the Horse Cave. You just want to help me to get back there."

"That transparent am I? You’re half right. I want to help you on the journey and make sure everything is alright for you when you reach it. But I would love to see it, especially the horses."

"It is a very spiritful place. I would like you to see it. Specially the part that I painted. I added some lions in honour of my teacher, you could tell me how good they are."

"That settles it. I’m coming to see your lions."

"No. You’re not. I was only joking. You’ve already been to Gabillou and back just to get me some medicine. That is enough. I shall be quite alright. I’ll go slowly and take rests all the time."

"Yes, we will and I can help you carry stuff. I’m not a bad hunter of small things, so we won’t have to carry much food. It would take you even longer if you had to hunt as well, and it’s that or carry it all. No, I’m coming too."

"You’ll make me feel terrible, taking you all that way in the wrong direction and you producing milk too. Think of the distance back to Gabillou from there carrying a baby all the way. The winter might come on before you got home."

"No. It won’t. I calculated it all before I suggested it because you know I can’t endanger Atutxa. The spirits spoke to me in my dreams last night and told me it is what I must do."

I half-believed that myself, so managed to convince her and it was agreed we would go together. But we decided to put off departure for another day. I hadn’t yet painted her medicine bag and I could leave my paints in Lazcux cave if I did it here and pick them up on the way back.

She watched me marking out the leather and said

"Is that a fig there?"

"Yes, and this part is the leaf of a fig tree."

"How do you know what they look like? Have you seen figs growing?"

"Oh no. Wouldn’t that be lovely, to see them? No, I asked one of the southern traders what they looked like and he spent quite a bit of time painting them for me. He gave me the painting, said he didn’t want anything for it. It cured his homesickness for a while he said. I think he was just a kind man."

It took less time to complete than I had allowed and was soon dry. We put all the medicine and the ingredients for making more into it and I packed it at the top with the food which we needed for the journey. Everything that wasn’t known to be necessary for the journey to the Horse Cave and back I bundled up and hid amongst some rocks. We would travel as light as we possibly could. It was a fine balance between more nappies or more washing and drying on the journey.

Everything was well prepared and we got a good early start the next morning. It was a dull cloudy day but it didn’t look as though it would rain. The thing weighing most heavily on me about going so far east was that I would be out of contact with Hare. We could speak, with difficulty, at Lazcux but I felt sure that I could not go much further without losing touch. He had agreed that I had to go, but neither of us was happy about it. It came even sooner than I had thought and we said goodbye for a while during the afternoon of the first day. I hope I managed to hide my distress from Ukitu.

The journey was long and slow. But I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it. There was time to look at everything closely on our frequent rests, either for Ukitu to get her breath back or for me to see to Atutxa’s needs. Also I was most careful to memorise landmarks and directions because I had to do the reverse journey alone. Though generally moving east we occasionally went south too. Ukitu knew the way too well to be much help at seeing it through a stranger’s eyes.

We arrived at last. It had taken us just under thirty days, but I knew that the return on my own would be much quicker. It was evening and we were both tired, Ukitu probably more than she was saying. We left our things packed up, just pulling out our bedding. I filled the water pot and after asking for the Horse Cave spirits blessing we fell asleep.

Both of us felt better the next day. Part of that was with Ukitu being safely home where she could rest all she wanted. After our breakfast and a few sighs of relief, Ukitu wanted to show me the cave almost as much as I wanted to see it. She took me first to the eponymous horses. After introducing me and Atutxa and paying our respects to them, I examined them closely. It was hard to believe that someone had that much skill at painting. The four horses looked the most alive of any painted spirits I had ever seen. It was obvious why the cave was named for them. The other paintings were very good too, and I could truthfully tell Ukitu that her lions were the best I’d seen. I was glad of the daylight in the cave, I thought that they would be frightening by lamplight.

"How it must have hurt Ikaseraz to leave".

"It was unspeakably painful, I know. He wasn’t cast out you know. He left before the Elders could meet."

But that was all she could say about it now that he was dead, so I would never know the circumstances.

Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull Horse Skull

There was a small entrance to a passageway with the six dots above it to touch while reciting the prayers to Earth Mother, and beside it was a natural rock altar. On the altar was a bear’s skull, it was our large local bear. It held so much power that I knelt and touched my forehead to the ground in front of it. I whispered Atutxa’s real name to it and held the baby towards its eyes.

"You feel its power too? It’s been there as long as I can remember."

Its power held me for a long time and when I was able to leave it I felt much stronger. How glad I was to have come here and invoked its protection for Atutxa.

We both knew that I must set out on the return journey the next day. It was a long, long way to Gabillou.

That evening, as I was collecting my things, Ukitu looked into my pack.

"I’m gauging the spare space. There’s something I would very much like you to have, but it’s rather large."

When she showed it to me I knew I would leave anything behind to make room for it. It was the top part of a horse’s skull, I mean that the lower jaw was missing. On the long front of it was attached a dried seahorse and there were small paintings of sea creatures around it.

"Did you make it?"

"No. My father made it for me as an initiation present. It’s yours now, if you can find room. It’s not as heavy as it looks."

"It’s wonderful. Thank you Ukitu."

"We’ve known each other too long for thanks to be necessary. It should be yours."

I looked at it for a long time. Without having to say anything we both knew it was a parting present. Even if she were alive next Midsummer we knew she would not be going to Lazcux again.

In the morning we hugged for a long time and then I left and did not look back.

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